Tuesday, April 12, 2005
| When No One is Around… I pick my nose like a beastmaster. I’ll find the most amazing nugget of disgustingness and then I’ll inspect it for a while before rolling it into a ball and throwing it into the garbage can. I used to just throw it on the floor until Paul told me that when we walk around in bare feet we squish boogers in between our toes. That was enough to make me hurl and also throw them in the garbage can. I laugh out loud and scream at the television. Literally. If you were spying on me and listening at my front door, you would think that I was having a party. Yet the party is only me. And some call it a party of the pity kind. However, that doesn’t stop me from admonishing (loudly) all of the idiots on reality television or the never ending guffaws that only people like Sarah Silverman or Michael Ian Black can elicit from me. I’ll dance as gayly as I can. Whether it be Janet, Junior Senior, or (occasionally) Britney Spears, no one can shake their gay ass any more flamboyantly or hilariously than I can. Then when I’m done, I’ll go all out and skip back to my seat on the couch. Hey, as long as no one is there to see my flame out, it technically didn’t happen. I pretend like I’m a whore. I’ll jerk off and rather than quietly go about my business, I moan and groan and act like I’m getting fucked upside down. The whole process makes the orgasm ten times more intense and I’ve been known to lose my breath. Again, if you were spying at my door, you would think that the party I was having turned into a full blown orgy. And it’s just me, pretending that I’m an experienced, non-virgin, slut. I cry at movies, but then turn the camera on myself. I’ll begin by getting a little choked up and then I’ll allow the tears to fill my eyes. Before I lose the emotion, I’ll jump out of bed, run over to the mirror, and act out the same scene, with the same lines, and watch how my face looks as I do it. I’m telling you, I’ve given some of the best performances of my life standing in front of my bedroom mirror. I will play “Spades”, “Hearts”, and “Euchre” online for hours at a time. I’m talking HOURS. I’ve been known to sit at my computer for a 7 hour stretch, only leaving to fill my glass of wine and to use the bathroom. If the game is getting really heavy and I can’t bear to be away for more than 30 seconds, I will take an empty bottle and piss right in it. No need to interrupt game play. I take very deep breaths and exhale as loud as I can. It feels so good to do that. It also feels good to hold your breath while you cum, so I do that too. I never wear clothes. I cook in the nude (how dangerous!), eat in the nude (how nasty!), shower in the nude (how weird!) and basically walk around and do whatever I need to do in the apartment – nude. Who am I showing off for? Obviously no one if you’ve seen my body lately. I tend to feel lonelier than I used to. |
